ON THE BEAT March'09

courtesy Eastern Courier and Howick Police

08-Apr-09

This is the final of four columns in this short series on teen dating abuse and asks what you can do if your son or daughter - or friend - is in an abusive relationship.

To help adolescents form healthy relationships, to prevent dating abuse before it starts, motivate your teenager to challenge harmful beliefs about dating abuse and take steps to form respectful relationships. (see the March 18 column on the 12 healthy qualitities of a healthy relationship.

If your daughter or son is exhibiting any signs mentioned in last weeks column on recognizing an abusive relationship and they are dating and the change is sudden or without explanation talk with them about the relationship.

Be specific about why you are concerned. If they choose to talk to you listen quietly and without judging. If they don't want to talk or discuss it with you, encourage him or her to talk with another trusted adult and provide the names or people or organisations that can help.

This could be a relative, a friend of the family, a clergy member, teacher, Victim Support 0800-842-846 who are based at the Howick Police station, or visit the Family Violence Advice & Support Service at the Howick Information Centre, Monday – Friday 10am -1pm, no appointment necessary.

Let your child know that it is never okay for someone to hit them. Violence is never part of a healthy dating relationship. They are more likely to be involved in violent abusive relationships when they become adults.

If they do open up to you focus your response on his or her needs and feelings and your concern for their well-being. Do not criticise or attack the abusive partner. This may seem odd and it can discourage communication. Your daughter or son will need to make the decision to end the abusive relationship, not you.

Ask them what you can do to help. Go as far as to encourage them to talk to a Counsellor who specialises in Teen Dating Violence and continue to support them by being caring, open and non judgmental.

Whether they agree to leave the abusive partner or not it is important to encourage him or her to think about ways to stay safe. For example, by making sure friends are around so that he or she is not alone with the partner.

Sergeant Brett Woodmass, Domestic Violence Coordinator, Counties Manukau

25-Mar-09

Last weeks column was about unhealthy teen relationships. This weeks column is about identifying an unhealthy relationship.

Teenagers generally do not tell people when they are involved in an abusive so it is important for adults - and friends - to be alert to signs that a teen may be involved in a relationship that is or has the potential to become abusive.

When the abuse is physical and sexual it can be easy to identify. Emotional abuse us much harder to recognise but no less damaging. Some of the following signs are just part of being a teenager but when these changes happen suddenly or without explanation and your child is dating there may be cause for concern.

- Unexplained bruises, scratches or injuries.
- Have they lost interest in the things that were important to them, friends, family, hobbies?
- Has their appearance or behaviour suddenly changed?
- Have they stopped spending times with their friends and family, becoming isolated. Have you seen sudden changes in their mood or personality?
- Are they anxious, depressed, acting out or overly secretive?
- Have they recently started using drugs or alcohol?
- Have they suddenly started failing grades at school?

Have you seen the following behaviour displayed by their boyfriend or girlfriend?

- Is your child afraid of their boyfriend or girlfriend?
- Does the boyfriend, girlfriend control the other, make all the decisions, check up on them?
- Do they act jealously and possessively?
- Do they lash out, criticise or insult their boyfriend or girlfriend?
- Do they apologise for their boyfriend or girlfriend's behaviour to you and others? - - Have you seen the boyfriend or girlfriend abuse others or pets?

None of these things are about love, respect or healthy relationships. They are signs your teen or friend could be in an abusive relationship.

It happens to both guys and girls. Even if it happens once it is not what they deserve. They deserve respect.

If this is someone you know, next week's column will look at what you can do to help.

Next week's column is about how to recognise an unhealthy relationship.

Sergeant Brett Woodmass, Domestic Violence Coordinator, Counties Manukau

18-Mar-09

This article follows on from last weeks introduction to ‘Teen Dating Abuse’ and looks at what is a ‘Healthy Teen Dating Relationship’.

Any relationship that you have in your teens will affect relationships later in life. The lessons you learn about healthy verses unhealthy relationships and what is right or wrong will carry over into future relationships. It is important to recognise what a healthy relationship is.

Check to see whether the following 12 healthy relationshipqualities exist in your relationship:

Mutual respect. Respect means each person values who the other is and understands the other persons boundaries.

Trust. Without trust there is no way to have a healthy relationship.

Honesty. Always be honest, it builds trust and strengthens relationships. If you have caught someone out in a big lie you know what I mean.

Compromise. You won't always get your way. Acknowledge different points of view and be willing to give and take.

Individuality. You should not compromise who you are and your identity should not be based on your boyfriend or girlfriend.

Good communication. Speak honestly and openly to avoid miscommunication.

Anger control. We all get angry and how we express it can affect our relationships with others. Anger can be handled in healthy ways, such as taking a deep breath or counting to 10.

Problem solving.You can learn to solve problems and identify new solutions by breaking problems into small parts.

Fighting fair. Everyone will argue at some point but those who are fair stick to the subject and avoid personal insults.

Understanding. Take a minute to understand what others might be feeling. Put yourself in their shoes.

Self confidence. Having confidence in yourself can help your relationship with others, it shows that you are calm and comfortable enough to allow others to express their opinions without forcing your opinion on others.

Being a role model. By modelling what respect means you will inspire your boyfriend or girlfriend, your friends and your family to model respect too.

Next week's column is about how to recognise an unhealthy relationship.

Sergeant Brett Woodmass, Domestic Violence Coordinator, Counties Manukau

11-Mar-09

This week's column introduces teen dating abuse, next week what is a healthy teen dating relationship, the third is recognising an abusive relationship and the fourth provides some advice on what to do.

It may seem kind of cute when your teen comes home from school and starts bragging about a girlfriend or boyfriend, but you know you have hit a milestone in parenthood when your daughter or son starts showing an interest in dating without a chaperone.

As a parent this can be a tough time:your kids are growing up and it may seem like you have less control over their lives, but while teens generally need more independence when they begin dating, giving them guidelines can be vitally important to their growth, development and safety.

Unfortunately children, just like adults, can end up in an unhealthy disrespectful relationship.

The emerging facts and research overseas about physical and emotional abuse in dating relationships among teens is alarming.

One such research project identified that one in 11 high school students reported being a victim of physical dating abuse. On comparable research exists in New Zealand.

Dating abuse is violent behaviour, physical, emotional or sexual by one partner in a dating relationship towards the other.

Abuse in a dating relationship can be confusing and frightening at any age, but for teenagers who are just beginning to date and develop romantic relationships this abuse is especially difficult.

Even more startling, adolescents who report experiencing dating violence are also more likely to report binge drinking, suicide attempts, physical fighting and sexually activity but only half recognise the warning signs of an abusive relationship.

Next week's column will look at factors that make a relationship respectful.

Sergeant Brett Woodmass, Domestic Violence Coordinator, Counties Manukau

04-Mar-09

Crime in our area is always going to occur. Unfortunately, crime is not always reported to the Police.

The importance of informing the Police was recently highlighted to me in an incident that was given good local media coverage.

The news of what was a fairly serious incident had unfortunately not been reported to the Police.

However due to the story being printed in the media, Police received a call from a concerned member of the public with information that led to identifying suspected persons.

Police are not going to resolve all crime that gets reported. However most investigation work involves putting together pieces of information that point to a 'larger picture'.

With this in mind, Counties Manukau Police has moved to make reporting crime easier and improve customer service.

The Crime Reporting line is now up and running which makes the reporting of non-urgent crime easier and more efficient.

We still ask that you give as much detail and information as possible; and there will be times when you will be required to come into a Police Station.

But our aim is for a better, more informed service and apprehending and placing those responsible for crime before the courts.

Of course, if there is any immediate danger to life or property, people still need to call 111.

The Crime reporting line is accessible by phoning the Howick Police on 5380300 or Manukau Police on 2611300 - 24 hrs a day, 7 days a week.

Constable Paul Devane, Youth Aid Officer Howick